Here's something I wrote in July 2003. When I was bored out of my skull. When I had nothing better to do. I think they called it a spoof. All i was doing was goofing around. Like I am now. Here goes...
Year One
A long time ago, I promised myself, I'd seriously begin writing with a vengeance. My sabbatical was a long one, and now that I look back upon it, needless as well. For all those familiar with the works of the utterly modest BRYAN DURHAM, the long wait has ended. Presenting to you, the complete works. One by bloody one
THE BOWELS, RELOADED / RETURN OF THE COMMODE DRAGON
Warning: If tastelessness isn’t your cuppa tea, stop now, else read on. And while you’re at it, drink your morning cuppa (coffee or tea, or whatever else your poison is), seated on your nearest “seat of wisdom”. I’m not responsible for the after-effects it will have on your bowel movements.
The Source is seated upon his most sagacious seat of infinite wisdom. These days, he doesn’t sweat as much (the air-conditioner is working, finally!) and as he dispenses those pearls he accumulated in the days he spent in isolation waiting for The One (One of those names wise men usually come up with), he stares at the multiple screens all around him and he quickly flushes and rises from his seat of learning.
Silence.
“I have waited a long time. What took you so long?”
“In case you haven’t noticed, this place is crawling with corrupt programs. It takes time to kick ass.”
“Speaking of ass…”
“Yeah! You stink…BAD. Do something about that air conditioner. And what is this with these multiple screens? You some exhibitionist or something?”
“Laugh while you can, Neo”, said the Source, with a loud fart, “I have 2 choices for you, “ Either save your beloved Zion from total destruction, or Trinity…”
“Trinity?”
“Fat Bastard’s taken a liking for her.”
“Fat Bastard? Here? I thought it was some Agent.”
“You see what you want to see. I see what is.” (READER’S NOTE: Actually it’s something the Waschowskis came up with, to maintain the element of surprise.)
What does our hero do now? He has had to fight off a hundred Agent Smiths, figure out that the Oracle is none but one of those plumbers who expect you to know everything there is about the commode and the sophisticated programming that goes into the making a top-of-the-line flushes. Morpheus wasn’t right, after all. All this is bullcrap. Gotta do the Superman thing, save the girl, and run.
“I already know what choice you’ll be making.”
“Yeah, let Bush take care of Zion. He knows a lot about how to deal with the likes of your wretched programs. He’s also known as THE COMMODE DRAGON. I’ll go do something about Trinity, or Fat Bastard’ll make sure I leave this friggin’ madhouse forever. You don’t really think I fell for that reality and freedom crap, did you? I was in it for that chick. Nothing else matters. So go shit all you can, old man. I ain’t falling for your crap.”
As he makes his way for the door that will eventually lead to Trinity. He slips on something slimy, and falls headlong, fancy sunglasses, leather jacket and all, into what seems like a pile of reddish-green crap that has been making the rounds of the septic tank tentatively called the Internet.
“I didn’t say it would be easy. I only said it would be the truth.”
“I’m gonna sue. This wasn’t in my contract.”
P.S.: Watch this space to find out what happens to Trinity. More On the Commode Dragon in the next installment in this ongoing series.
